We as a society are often told not too talk about certain things. A lot of times things such as abuse,self loathing,rape,and fear are put on the list of “inappropriate” conversation topics. Especially if they happened too you. Propriety dictates what is “healthy” conversation. It is unfortunate because often just being able to talk about these things can heal even the deepest emotional and spiritual wound. And so dear reader, you know why i post here. To heal and to challenge the boundaries of “propriety”.
In my previous journey post, i asked for healing. My goal for some time now has been healing. You see my darlings, i know that i have a Soul Shard. Several years ago my life was in a terrible state of turmoil. I had been in a state of spiritual crisis for some time and then to add too that i lost my home,my mate, and my friends all in one fell swoop. I had been in such an emotional state that when the final blow was struck i felt something break inside me… If it had a physical sound i suspect it sounded a bit like glass breaking mixed with a piano string snapping…
From that moment forward i didn’t feel like i should. My emotions felt muted, and in some cases gone entirely. It was kind of nice to function is a numb fog. However,one can only function that way so long and i did return too my roots and start working things out. I was significantly better until 2011. My home was struck by the first EF6 tornado on record and not three days before my father in law had a massive stroke and fell into a coma. Not long after that my mother was diagnose with stage 2 breast cancer…and it went on and on like that.
Now i realise ive slipped back into a numb state, and ive started working forward to help find my Soul Shard and retrieve it. I’m sure some of you may wonder what a Soul SHard is. Its a shamanic concept… and one that modern science, even if it wont admit it, and found as well. When a deeply traumatic event takes place in a person’s life a part of them self seems to shatter and fall away. Thar shard is a part of the soul that has removed it self because of the stress and trauma of the event. That part can almost become autonomous too the rest of the soul. unfortunately this can cause the whole to no longer function correctly. Emotional and mental issues will manifest and eventually can start to case physical health problems.
The foremost job of a Shaman(druid,witch wisewoman etc..) in these cases is to search the other world for the shard and reconcile the too parts. It’s not easy…often the shard will hide and resist. Now i am at that state, finding the shard. Where have i gone? I have found when i am on the other side i am that which is my purest form. Who i am at my core… Not what the world wishes to see, not even what my Mate chooses to see…Me that which is a fragment of the Divine.
So on my latest journey here is the progress i made:
I found my self walking down a wooded path, hand in hand with a Shadow. It was smoke like and in the shape of a humanoid. I could tell neither gender nor race only that it was human shaped and meant me no harm. It walked with me until i reached the shores of the Lake where Barinthus met me in the Barge. Again he was sandy blonde with medium sized dear horns and blue woad tattoos on his face.
But this time there was a priestess in the barge with him. She was silent and he hood was pulled down so i could only see her nose and mouth. She helped me onto the barge without a word. The Shadow stayed on the banks of the lake, as far as i can tell. From there i sailed too the shores of Avalon and was dropped off there. I made my way through the fields in their final state of harvest. The tools of harvest were brought too my attention and we were instructed to think on what we wished to cut away and what we wished to harvest.
Sacrifice and harvest…the same and yet different depending on what side of the fence you are on…
Finally i reached the Tor and sat down to consider what it was i was doing here. I was here, again seeking my whole self. I took stock of who i was in this place. I was older, but only slightly. My hair had stones and feathers hanging in it. I wore the cloths of a Primal Shamaness. I wore a dear skin tunic and a robe of cotton below it. I carried my stang, but she had been completed (ill post pictures when i make manifest her true form here in this world) and i felt who i was. My truest self. And i knew what i needed to ask the Goddess:
How do i bring my truest self into the physical world?
With that a door down into the Mound opened and i followed the steps counter clockwise down…down…down into the hearth.
Whenever i am here i can hear a deep vibrating heart beat…The air throbs with it. The room is medium size and down the center runs a stream like an aqueduct. Small torches on the wall light the area enough to see. In the back of the room sat a women on a primitive bench.
Her hair was white and her clothing simple. As i stepped closer i could see she was spinning her own hair on a spindle.
I Approached this goddess knowing exactly who she was, she was Ragnell the Arthurian face of of the Owlwoman. i kneeled before her and she leaned down to be almost nose too nose with me. As i watched her face is was as if smoke would curl over and around her and as it passed her face would change from old and hag like to young and beautiful and back again. i said too her:
Sister, how do i bring my truest self into the world? How to i manifest this self in my everyday life?
Her serine face smiled and she said too me:
Spin the Thread
Weave the Web
Dream the Dream
Remember the Raven (at this point the image of a raven holding a small smooth stone passed through my mind)
See the Owl
Weave the Dream
Make it happen.
With that i stood and walked back too the stairs, i thanked Ragnell and in a shimmer of gold light made my way up…up…up…and out…back into my body…